SA v ENG: 3rd Test, day 1

South Africa won the toss, chose to bat, and finished the day on 267/7. On the face of it, that looks like a fairly mundane, evenly matched day, ripe for clichéd assessment:

The game is poised, the first hour tomorrow will be crucial, we shouldn’t judge the pitch until both sides have batted on it.

Clichéd, but true. Fortunately the details are a bit more interesting.

Morning session

After winning the toss and batting on a lively pitch in overcast conditions, South Africa would’ve been happy to sit down to lunch at 73/1. The somewhat surprisingly retained van Zyl was the man out, top-edging a half-hearted pull-paddle deep into Bairstow’s gloves. It was a compulsive shot, completely lacking in conviction, not what you’re hoping for from your opening batsman.

Elgar on the other hand is looking more and more the traditional opening bat, full of traditional values like the first hour belongs to the bowlers, take the shine off the ball, and above all else be nuggety. I doubt he even knew the score at lunchtime, the only score that matters is they didn’t get him out.

England didn’t bowl well before lunch. You’d expect bowlers as skilled and experienced as Anderson and Broad to quickly work out the ideal length and then hit it consistently, especially with life in the pitch and cloud in the sky. But they didn’t. Neither did Finn and Stokes. It was all very wasteful.

They bowled good balls, they bowled very good balls, but they didn’t bowl enough. Instead they bowled leave-balls and four-balls and South Africa’s batsmen obliged.

Afternoon session

England were much improved after lunch, but South Africa had all the luck. Amla was on the right side of an umpire’s call LBW review and twice in two overs he inside-edged narrowly past his leg stump. Sitting on 116/1 at drinks would’ve felt very good.

Immediately after the break, however, Ali found the outside edge of Elgar’s bat and Finn found the same of Amla’s. The hypothetical two quick wickets had been added, and the Stevens were even once again.

After three hours of nuggetiness, Elgar will be mad to get out trying to defend a wide ball off the back foot with an angled bat. The ball turned, probably to everyone’s surprise (and Dane Piedt’s chagrin), but Elgar shouldn’t have been playing at it, let alone edging it. Amla got a good one. So good, that he did well to nick it.

de Villiers and du Plessis saw the Proteas through to tea, with a combination of free-flowing strokeplay (de Villiers) and dogged defence (du Plessis). Finn was menacing throughout, snorting several balls past du Plessis’ outside edge, but at 152/3 the session was probably shared and South Africa were probably slightly ahead overall. But only slightly, and only because of de Villiers.

Evening session

de Villiers signalled his intent by bouncing the sixth ball after tea onto the road outside the Wanderers, but five balls later Stokes bounced him back and the (new) ball tickled de Villiers’ gloves on the way through to Bairstow’s. Four down for 161, with de Villiers gone, England could sense opportunity.

For a while now, du Plessis has looked and batted like a man with a very unclear mind, and one feared for his mental state when the odd ball leapt off a length and past his outside edge. Typically then, he got out middling a flick off his hip down deep square leg’s proverbial throat.

Bavuma meanwhile looked every bit a man coming off a hundred, with confident footwork and crisp timing. Sadly he was caught ball-watching and hesitant when Vilas called him through for a quick single, and good work from Woakes and Bairstow found him, with apologies, well short.

Vilas too looked like a man rich in recent runs, and despite starting the day with an eye on the pitch at Port Elizabeth his eye was clearly in. All the more reason to be disappointed with his dismissal, top-edging an attempted hook to fine leg, just five overs before the new ball and with South Africa unsafe at 225/7.

England were now firmly in control and the new ball was on the horizon – a procession was suddenly possible. Fortunately for South Africa, Morris and Rabada restored a sense of balance to the scorecard with an unbeaten 42-run partnership, to end the day on 267/7.

Morris looked shaky against good short bowling but good against everything else, while Rabada delivered on some of the potential they say he has with the bat (even if he played and missed a few by miles).

The English bowlers looked tired in the last hour. Not loose, just less threatening. Over the course of the day, Stokes and Finn were the pick, Ali was more effective than expected, and the fielders caught everything on offer, making a nice change from Newlands.

What to expect tomorrow

The experts are saying the pitch will quicken up tomorrow, but that’s secondary for me. The real question is whether it will retain the bounce and movement it offered today.

South Africa’s bowling attack is four-pronged but one-dimensional – the most dangerous man will be the one that bowls best. There should be pace, bounce and movement available to all, but none of that will be worth anything if the bowlers bowl badly.

England’s batsmen will have heard (and will be reminded) that sooner or later an unplayable ball will have their name on it. And it’s probably true. This makes attacking players like Hales, Root and Stokes even more valuable – both teams will know that if these players stick around for a couple of hours each, this low-scoring game could move quickly in England’s favour. Get those men early, however, and South Africa should be able to control the day.

SA v ENG: 3rd Test, preview

It’s been an interesting seven days since the Proteas gave England a little scare (but not really) at Newlands. Well, on the South African side at least. Every pundit, scribe and fan with a Twitter account has had a say on the captaincy, injuries, workloads, the pitch, and even the state of the domestic game in South Africa. And now I’ll have mine.

The captaincy

A change in Test captain is usually a big thing, a big disruptive thing. But in this unusual case I believe the timing of the change and the quality of the people involved could actually galvanise the South Africans.

In Hashim Amla I see peace, not resentment. During his time as captain he spoke a lot about leading by example, and he has set another fantastic one in the manner, timing and class of his resignation.

In AB de Villiers I see enthusiasm, not self-satisfaction. He has already captained his country in ODIs, he has the support of the outgoing skipper and the current squad, and he really, really wants the job.

And in the rest of the squad I see respect, not doubt. Only one man can be captain, but Amla and de Villiers are both leaders, are both inspirational, and the players will play out of their skins for both of them.

The batting unit

Stephen Cook remains overlooked, despite scoring another century during the week, and Rilee Rossouw has been released to play domestic cricket. Stiaan van Zyl looks set to retain his position at the top of the order.

If not van Zyl, then from the current squad who? Surely Temba Bavuma has earned the right to cement his spot in the middle order, and surely Quinton de Kock is no more a long-term solution than Cook. Even with age on his side, de Kock will struggle to open and keep wicket for longer than Cook (only just 33) could conceivably do a job.

If van Zyl plays, then Elgar, Amla, de Villiers, du Plessis, Bavuma and de Kock pick themselves, presumably in that order.

The bowling unit

Dane Piedt has been released to play domestic cricket, so now the only question is which four fast bowlers will play. I’m sure Piedt is still the Proteas’ first-choice spinner, but circumstances have conspired against him in this case.

I presume the pitch played a part in the decision, and the groundsman better hope that Moeen Ali is wholly ineffective for all five days, but I think the real reason for Piedt’s omission is the lack of proven quality in the fit and able fast-bowling stocks.

If Dale Steyn, Vernon Philander and Morne Morkel were all fit and firing, I believe the selectors would’ve backed them to take care of the bulk of the business, with Piedt chipping in for three days and then possibly, hopefully providing an additional attacking edge on day four and/or five. However, with Steyn and Philander still injured, I don’t think the selectors see three reliable options out of Morkel, Kagiso Rabada, Kyle Abbott, Chris Morris and Hardus Viljoen, so they’ll play it safe and pick four, at Piedt’s expense.

If taken, I would begrudgingly agree with this decision on this occasion, and can only hope that Piedt grabs a bag for the Cobras and spends his down-time studying footage of Nathan Lyon bowling for Australia – I don’t know quite how he’s done it, but Lyon has become a very good Test bowler, in all conditions, and hopefully Piedt will one day do the same.

Picking four fast bowlers means leaving one out and it will probably be Abbott, because Morkel is the only bowler with more than six Tests under his boots; Rabada is the future, now; Morris can bat at eight and field at third and fourth slip at the same time; and Viljoen is apparently very, very fast.

Wildcard selections

JP Duminy may have scored 260* for the Cobras during the week, but bizarrely it could be his part-time off-spin, in Piedt’s absence, that earns him a recall. The only way I see it happening is at van Zyl’s expense with de Kock opening the batting, and hopefully that’s very unlikely. Such a selection would send inconsistent messages to several players in and outside the squad, and would smell like desperation to the England camp.

And what of England?

Well, while the South African selectors have been earning their pay the English team is picking itself. I suspect that meeting was simply a case of “Are all who played at Newlands present and well? Marvellous, same again please.”

Now let’s just hope the weather holds.

What the Queen said to the cricketers at Lord’s

[By Andrew Murison, 18 July 2013]

Her Majesty the Queen met the English and Australian players before the start of the second Ashes Test. Here are some of the conversations that weren’t heard.*

MCC President Mike Griffith introduced Her Majesty to England Captain Alastair Cook, after apologising on behalf of the England team for the slight delay. “James Anderson had to carry Stuart Broad onto the field,” he said, “because Broad refused to walk.”

_____

Alastair Cook: Good morning Your Majesty.

Queen Elizabeth: It will be if you win the toss and bat, my boy. The pitch looks flatter than Catherine’s chest before Wills knocked her up.

Alastair Cook: Of course, ma’am.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Joe Root.

Queen Elizabeth: Good heavens, child, shouldn’t you be in school? Did you win a competition to be here today?

Joe Root: Forgive me ma’am, no. I’m part of the team. I’m 22.

Queen Elizabeth: Yes, well, just be careful – One has endured more scandals involving men playing with boys than One cares to forget.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Jonathan Trott.

Queen Elizabeth: Ah yes, Mr Reliable. But listen here, One isn’t getting any younger, so wouldn’t you be a good import and speed up your scoring rate? One would be much obliged.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Kevin Pietersen.

Queen Elizabeth: Ah yes, how could One forget the party that night you lot got your MBEs.

Kevin Pietersen: Funny, I don’t remember that night at all.

Queen Elizabeth: Yes, very funny. Just be sure to score some runs today dear, else One might tear up that British passport you’re so happy with and send you back to Africa.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Ian Bell.

Queen Elizabeth: Not interested.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Johnny Bairstow.

Queen Elizabeth: Good Lord, you gave One a fright with that orange hair! One thought you were Harry for a second, but to be honest you look more like Fergie.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Matt Prior.

Queen Elizabeth: You’re also originally from my African Republic aren’t you?

Matt Prior: Yes ma’am, I was born in South Africa, but I’ve lived in Britain since I was 11.

Queen Elizabeth: Well done. I say, [turning to Cook] his head looks upside down, don’t you think, with all his hair on his chin and none on top? Very odd, these savages.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Tim Bresnan.

Queen Elizabeth: How do you do. [To Cook] Next?

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Stuart Broad.

Queen Elizabeth: Oh dear, they do like to make fun of you, don’t they.

[Broad sniffles, nods]

Queen Elizabeth: Do you think it’s because you’re such a little b1tch?

[Broad starts crying]

Queen Elizabeth: If it makes you feel better, my son Charles is a big fan of yours.

[Broad perks up, hopefully]

Queen Elizabeth: But that’s hardly surprising. I remember even as a child he used to love playing with his sister’s Barbies.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Graeme Swann.

Queen Elizabeth: The DoE asked me to remind you that One owns all the swans in Britain, so if he fancies it you’ll be summoned to bowl at him in the Royal nets until he’s had enough.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Jimmy Anderson.

Queen Elizabeth: They say you’re a bit of a hero these days, and a nice guy to boot.

Jimmy Anderson: Thank you ma’am.

Queen Elizabeth: They said the same thing about another Jimmy I used to know. He also knew a bit about swinging balls and Nick’s behind… One will be watching you closely.

…..

 

Of course, Her Majesty was then introduced to the Australians.

…..

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, this is Michael Clarke, the captain of the barbarian hordes.

Queen Elizabeth: Now now, that won’t be necessary Mr Cook. Mr Clarke and his men have had a difficult time of late and it would be my pleasure to meet them [under her breath to Cook] and rub their faces in it.

Michael Clarke: Thank you your Majesty.

Queen Elizabeth: You’re welcome. Now, who do we have here?

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Chris Rogers.

Queen Elizabeth: I say, haven’t we met before? Yes, I’m positive you were playing in a match One attended in 1971. Though One must admit you have aged rather well. You don’t look a day over 55.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Shane Watson.

Queen Elizabeth: Hello son. [Speaks very slowly] It’s very important to do your homework and not fight with the other boys. And remember, there’s no I in team, but there is one in malignant tumour.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Usman Khawaja.

Queen Elizabeth: The DoE said to tell you that he greatly enjoyed your TV show. One thinks he had the hots for your grandmother, Ummi.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Phillip Hughes.

Queen Elizabeth: My husband’s name is Philip. Do you also say some silly things sometimes? [Looks across to Steve Smith, who can’t stop moving.]

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Steven Smith.

Queen Elizabeth: Good heavens, stop bouncing around child, you’ll tire yourself and One out with all that energy.

Steven Smith: Sorry, I’m sorry Mrs Queen, sorry, Your Majesty, sorry. This is very exciting.

Queen Elizabeth: Yes, quite, for us both I’m sure. [To Clarke] I’ll have my Royal doctor prescribe something for this one, along the lines of what we slip in their drinks when the Middletons come for supper.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Brad Haddin.

Queen Elizabeth: What silly gloves you have. [To Clarke] Who’s next?

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Ashton Agar.

Queen Elizabeth: You remind One of that child from Third Rock From The Sun. Joseph Gordon Leviticus or some silly American name like that.

Ashton Agar: Thank you, ma’am.

Queen Elizabeth: It wasn’t a compliment, dear. One hated that show.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Peter Siddle.

Queen Elizabeth: One has always had the utmost respect for vegetarians, but I must tell you I organised a purely vegan menu for my grandson’s wedding and that was a tremendously dull party.

Peter Siddle: I’m sorry ma’am.

Queen Elizabeth: No matter, things livened up at the after party when the DoE started doing shots with Harry and some American friends of his.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, James Pattinson.

Queen Elizabeth: One heard a rumour that you turned down the chance to play for England like your brother. Is that so?

James Pattinson: Yes ma’am.

Queen Elizabeth: Given the result in the first test, and the turmoil in your camp, and this beautiful weather, One bets you’re feeling rather stupid about that decision right now.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Ryan Harris.

Queen Elizabeth: Ah yes, One was hoping to meet you after One read that we have something in common.

Ryan Harris: That’s very kind Ma’am, and what is that?

Queen Elizabeth: Apparently we both have the knees and hips of an 87-year-old woman.

_____

*These conversations were made up entirely by me, and contain no word of the truth except perhaps by accident.