SA v ENG: 3rd Test, day 1

South Africa won the toss, chose to bat, and finished the day on 267/7. On the face of it, that looks like a fairly mundane, evenly matched day, ripe for clichéd assessment:

The game is poised, the first hour tomorrow will be crucial, we shouldn’t judge the pitch until both sides have batted on it.

Clichéd, but true. Fortunately the details are a bit more interesting.

Morning session

After winning the toss and batting on a lively pitch in overcast conditions, South Africa would’ve been happy to sit down to lunch at 73/1. The somewhat surprisingly retained van Zyl was the man out, top-edging a half-hearted pull-paddle deep into Bairstow’s gloves. It was a compulsive shot, completely lacking in conviction, not what you’re hoping for from your opening batsman.

Elgar on the other hand is looking more and more the traditional opening bat, full of traditional values like the first hour belongs to the bowlers, take the shine off the ball, and above all else be nuggety. I doubt he even knew the score at lunchtime, the only score that matters is they didn’t get him out.

England didn’t bowl well before lunch. You’d expect bowlers as skilled and experienced as Anderson and Broad to quickly work out the ideal length and then hit it consistently, especially with life in the pitch and cloud in the sky. But they didn’t. Neither did Finn and Stokes. It was all very wasteful.

They bowled good balls, they bowled very good balls, but they didn’t bowl enough. Instead they bowled leave-balls and four-balls and South Africa’s batsmen obliged.

Afternoon session

England were much improved after lunch, but South Africa had all the luck. Amla was on the right side of an umpire’s call LBW review and twice in two overs he inside-edged narrowly past his leg stump. Sitting on 116/1 at drinks would’ve felt very good.

Immediately after the break, however, Ali found the outside edge of Elgar’s bat and Finn found the same of Amla’s. The hypothetical two quick wickets had been added, and the Stevens were even once again.

After three hours of nuggetiness, Elgar will be mad to get out trying to defend a wide ball off the back foot with an angled bat. The ball turned, probably to everyone’s surprise (and Dane Piedt’s chagrin), but Elgar shouldn’t have been playing at it, let alone edging it. Amla got a good one. So good, that he did well to nick it.

de Villiers and du Plessis saw the Proteas through to tea, with a combination of free-flowing strokeplay (de Villiers) and dogged defence (du Plessis). Finn was menacing throughout, snorting several balls past du Plessis’ outside edge, but at 152/3 the session was probably shared and South Africa were probably slightly ahead overall. But only slightly, and only because of de Villiers.

Evening session

de Villiers signalled his intent by bouncing the sixth ball after tea onto the road outside the Wanderers, but five balls later Stokes bounced him back and the (new) ball tickled de Villiers’ gloves on the way through to Bairstow’s. Four down for 161, with de Villiers gone, England could sense opportunity.

For a while now, du Plessis has looked and batted like a man with a very unclear mind, and one feared for his mental state when the odd ball leapt off a length and past his outside edge. Typically then, he got out middling a flick off his hip down deep square leg’s proverbial throat.

Bavuma meanwhile looked every bit a man coming off a hundred, with confident footwork and crisp timing. Sadly he was caught ball-watching and hesitant when Vilas called him through for a quick single, and good work from Woakes and Bairstow found him, with apologies, well short.

Vilas too looked like a man rich in recent runs, and despite starting the day with an eye on the pitch at Port Elizabeth his eye was clearly in. All the more reason to be disappointed with his dismissal, top-edging an attempted hook to fine leg, just five overs before the new ball and with South Africa unsafe at 225/7.

England were now firmly in control and the new ball was on the horizon – a procession was suddenly possible. Fortunately for South Africa, Morris and Rabada restored a sense of balance to the scorecard with an unbeaten 42-run partnership, to end the day on 267/7.

Morris looked shaky against good short bowling but good against everything else, while Rabada delivered on some of the potential they say he has with the bat (even if he played and missed a few by miles).

The English bowlers looked tired in the last hour. Not loose, just less threatening. Over the course of the day, Stokes and Finn were the pick, Ali was more effective than expected, and the fielders caught everything on offer, making a nice change from Newlands.

What to expect tomorrow

The experts are saying the pitch will quicken up tomorrow, but that’s secondary for me. The real question is whether it will retain the bounce and movement it offered today.

South Africa’s bowling attack is four-pronged but one-dimensional – the most dangerous man will be the one that bowls best. There should be pace, bounce and movement available to all, but none of that will be worth anything if the bowlers bowl badly.

England’s batsmen will have heard (and will be reminded) that sooner or later an unplayable ball will have their name on it. And it’s probably true. This makes attacking players like Hales, Root and Stokes even more valuable – both teams will know that if these players stick around for a couple of hours each, this low-scoring game could move quickly in England’s favour. Get those men early, however, and South Africa should be able to control the day.

SA v ENG: 3rd Test, preview

It’s been an interesting seven days since the Proteas gave England a little scare (but not really) at Newlands. Well, on the South African side at least. Every pundit, scribe and fan with a Twitter account has had a say on the captaincy, injuries, workloads, the pitch, and even the state of the domestic game in South Africa. And now I’ll have mine.

The captaincy

A change in Test captain is usually a big thing, a big disruptive thing. But in this unusual case I believe the timing of the change and the quality of the people involved could actually galvanise the South Africans.

In Hashim Amla I see peace, not resentment. During his time as captain he spoke a lot about leading by example, and he has set another fantastic one in the manner, timing and class of his resignation.

In AB de Villiers I see enthusiasm, not self-satisfaction. He has already captained his country in ODIs, he has the support of the outgoing skipper and the current squad, and he really, really wants the job.

And in the rest of the squad I see respect, not doubt. Only one man can be captain, but Amla and de Villiers are both leaders, are both inspirational, and the players will play out of their skins for both of them.

The batting unit

Stephen Cook remains overlooked, despite scoring another century during the week, and Rilee Rossouw has been released to play domestic cricket. Stiaan van Zyl looks set to retain his position at the top of the order.

If not van Zyl, then from the current squad who? Surely Temba Bavuma has earned the right to cement his spot in the middle order, and surely Quinton de Kock is no more a long-term solution than Cook. Even with age on his side, de Kock will struggle to open and keep wicket for longer than Cook (only just 33) could conceivably do a job.

If van Zyl plays, then Elgar, Amla, de Villiers, du Plessis, Bavuma and de Kock pick themselves, presumably in that order.

The bowling unit

Dane Piedt has been released to play domestic cricket, so now the only question is which four fast bowlers will play. I’m sure Piedt is still the Proteas’ first-choice spinner, but circumstances have conspired against him in this case.

I presume the pitch played a part in the decision, and the groundsman better hope that Moeen Ali is wholly ineffective for all five days, but I think the real reason for Piedt’s omission is the lack of proven quality in the fit and able fast-bowling stocks.

If Dale Steyn, Vernon Philander and Morne Morkel were all fit and firing, I believe the selectors would’ve backed them to take care of the bulk of the business, with Piedt chipping in for three days and then possibly, hopefully providing an additional attacking edge on day four and/or five. However, with Steyn and Philander still injured, I don’t think the selectors see three reliable options out of Morkel, Kagiso Rabada, Kyle Abbott, Chris Morris and Hardus Viljoen, so they’ll play it safe and pick four, at Piedt’s expense.

If taken, I would begrudgingly agree with this decision on this occasion, and can only hope that Piedt grabs a bag for the Cobras and spends his down-time studying footage of Nathan Lyon bowling for Australia – I don’t know quite how he’s done it, but Lyon has become a very good Test bowler, in all conditions, and hopefully Piedt will one day do the same.

Picking four fast bowlers means leaving one out and it will probably be Abbott, because Morkel is the only bowler with more than six Tests under his boots; Rabada is the future, now; Morris can bat at eight and field at third and fourth slip at the same time; and Viljoen is apparently very, very fast.

Wildcard selections

JP Duminy may have scored 260* for the Cobras during the week, but bizarrely it could be his part-time off-spin, in Piedt’s absence, that earns him a recall. The only way I see it happening is at van Zyl’s expense with de Kock opening the batting, and hopefully that’s very unlikely. Such a selection would send inconsistent messages to several players in and outside the squad, and would smell like desperation to the England camp.

And what of England?

Well, while the South African selectors have been earning their pay the English team is picking itself. I suspect that meeting was simply a case of “Are all who played at Newlands present and well? Marvellous, same again please.”

Now let’s just hope the weather holds.

What the Queen said to the cricketers at Lord’s

[By Andrew Murison, 18 July 2013]

Her Majesty the Queen met the English and Australian players before the start of the second Ashes Test. Here are some of the conversations that weren’t heard.*

MCC President Mike Griffith introduced Her Majesty to England Captain Alastair Cook, after apologising on behalf of the England team for the slight delay. “James Anderson had to carry Stuart Broad onto the field,” he said, “because Broad refused to walk.”

_____

Alastair Cook: Good morning Your Majesty.

Queen Elizabeth: It will be if you win the toss and bat, my boy. The pitch looks flatter than Catherine’s chest before Wills knocked her up.

Alastair Cook: Of course, ma’am.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Joe Root.

Queen Elizabeth: Good heavens, child, shouldn’t you be in school? Did you win a competition to be here today?

Joe Root: Forgive me ma’am, no. I’m part of the team. I’m 22.

Queen Elizabeth: Yes, well, just be careful – One has endured more scandals involving men playing with boys than One cares to forget.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Jonathan Trott.

Queen Elizabeth: Ah yes, Mr Reliable. But listen here, One isn’t getting any younger, so wouldn’t you be a good import and speed up your scoring rate? One would be much obliged.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Kevin Pietersen.

Queen Elizabeth: Ah yes, how could One forget the party that night you lot got your MBEs.

Kevin Pietersen: Funny, I don’t remember that night at all.

Queen Elizabeth: Yes, very funny. Just be sure to score some runs today dear, else One might tear up that British passport you’re so happy with and send you back to Africa.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Ian Bell.

Queen Elizabeth: Not interested.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Johnny Bairstow.

Queen Elizabeth: Good Lord, you gave One a fright with that orange hair! One thought you were Harry for a second, but to be honest you look more like Fergie.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Matt Prior.

Queen Elizabeth: You’re also originally from my African Republic aren’t you?

Matt Prior: Yes ma’am, I was born in South Africa, but I’ve lived in Britain since I was 11.

Queen Elizabeth: Well done. I say, [turning to Cook] his head looks upside down, don’t you think, with all his hair on his chin and none on top? Very odd, these savages.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Tim Bresnan.

Queen Elizabeth: How do you do. [To Cook] Next?

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Stuart Broad.

Queen Elizabeth: Oh dear, they do like to make fun of you, don’t they.

[Broad sniffles, nods]

Queen Elizabeth: Do you think it’s because you’re such a little b1tch?

[Broad starts crying]

Queen Elizabeth: If it makes you feel better, my son Charles is a big fan of yours.

[Broad perks up, hopefully]

Queen Elizabeth: But that’s hardly surprising. I remember even as a child he used to love playing with his sister’s Barbies.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Graeme Swann.

Queen Elizabeth: The DoE asked me to remind you that One owns all the swans in Britain, so if he fancies it you’ll be summoned to bowl at him in the Royal nets until he’s had enough.

_____

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, Jimmy Anderson.

Queen Elizabeth: They say you’re a bit of a hero these days, and a nice guy to boot.

Jimmy Anderson: Thank you ma’am.

Queen Elizabeth: They said the same thing about another Jimmy I used to know. He also knew a bit about swinging balls and Nick’s behind… One will be watching you closely.

…..

 

Of course, Her Majesty was then introduced to the Australians.

…..

Alastair Cook: Your Majesty, this is Michael Clarke, the captain of the barbarian hordes.

Queen Elizabeth: Now now, that won’t be necessary Mr Cook. Mr Clarke and his men have had a difficult time of late and it would be my pleasure to meet them [under her breath to Cook] and rub their faces in it.

Michael Clarke: Thank you your Majesty.

Queen Elizabeth: You’re welcome. Now, who do we have here?

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Chris Rogers.

Queen Elizabeth: I say, haven’t we met before? Yes, I’m positive you were playing in a match One attended in 1971. Though One must admit you have aged rather well. You don’t look a day over 55.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Shane Watson.

Queen Elizabeth: Hello son. [Speaks very slowly] It’s very important to do your homework and not fight with the other boys. And remember, there’s no I in team, but there is one in malignant tumour.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Usman Khawaja.

Queen Elizabeth: The DoE said to tell you that he greatly enjoyed your TV show. One thinks he had the hots for your grandmother, Ummi.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Phillip Hughes.

Queen Elizabeth: My husband’s name is Philip. Do you also say some silly things sometimes? [Looks across to Steve Smith, who can’t stop moving.]

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Steven Smith.

Queen Elizabeth: Good heavens, stop bouncing around child, you’ll tire yourself and One out with all that energy.

Steven Smith: Sorry, I’m sorry Mrs Queen, sorry, Your Majesty, sorry. This is very exciting.

Queen Elizabeth: Yes, quite, for us both I’m sure. [To Clarke] I’ll have my Royal doctor prescribe something for this one, along the lines of what we slip in their drinks when the Middletons come for supper.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Brad Haddin.

Queen Elizabeth: What silly gloves you have. [To Clarke] Who’s next?

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Ashton Agar.

Queen Elizabeth: You remind One of that child from Third Rock From The Sun. Joseph Gordon Leviticus or some silly American name like that.

Ashton Agar: Thank you, ma’am.

Queen Elizabeth: It wasn’t a compliment, dear. One hated that show.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Peter Siddle.

Queen Elizabeth: One has always had the utmost respect for vegetarians, but I must tell you I organised a purely vegan menu for my grandson’s wedding and that was a tremendously dull party.

Peter Siddle: I’m sorry ma’am.

Queen Elizabeth: No matter, things livened up at the after party when the DoE started doing shots with Harry and some American friends of his.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, James Pattinson.

Queen Elizabeth: One heard a rumour that you turned down the chance to play for England like your brother. Is that so?

James Pattinson: Yes ma’am.

Queen Elizabeth: Given the result in the first test, and the turmoil in your camp, and this beautiful weather, One bets you’re feeling rather stupid about that decision right now.

_____

Michael Clarke: Your Majesty, Ryan Harris.

Queen Elizabeth: Ah yes, One was hoping to meet you after One read that we have something in common.

Ryan Harris: That’s very kind Ma’am, and what is that?

Queen Elizabeth: Apparently we both have the knees and hips of an 87-year-old woman.

_____

*These conversations were made up entirely by me, and contain no word of the truth except perhaps by accident.

“Mr Fitness” Gary Player talks about himself

[By Andrew Murison, 12 July 2013]

I make fun of Gary Player because he seems to take everything so seriously. Especially himself. And also because, with some of the quotes he serves up, it’s very easy. Like:

“Professional golf players said Gary Player’s a nut, you can’t do weight training! But who’s the nut? They’re the nuts, because at my age, they’re dead! I’m just beginning, man.”

For the record, and without doubt, Gary Player was a great golfer and is a great champion. Whichever way you look at it, he is worthy of that word. He’s just a bit crazy as well.

Gary gets naked, grannies swoon

Like this year, Gary Player posed nude in ESPN The Magazine’s Body Issue, a legitimate mag celebrating the bodies of various sporting stars (not just the pretty ones). I wonder if sales saw an unexpected spike among 60 – 90 year olds.

Here’s a video from the ESPN shoot about Gary Player talking about himself, including: “I’ll show you what I can do with my body at 77. And very few people in the world can do it.” And, slapping himself on the stomach (I hope): “I mean this, is like a piece of wood.”

Remember how, as kids, we used to tear out pages from sports magazines to stick our heroes up on our walls? It sends shivers through my bones to imagine that little old ladies in retirement homes are now doing the same.

Chris Martin, batting legend

[By Andrew Murison, 2 December 2012]

Chris Martin played 71 Test matches, 20 ODIs and six T20s for new Zealand. He is widely regarded as the worst batsman that the professional game has even seen.

And yet, Chris Martin:

has scored more Test runs than any other batsman with a Test average of less than 3;

has the highest score (12*) of all batsmen with a Test average of less than 3;

has a better batting average than 117 other Test cricketers;

once recorded 9 consecutive scores of 0 in Tests: 0*, 0, 0, 0, 0, 0*, 0, 0, 0;

has only been dismissed in half of his Test innings (52 of 104);

has been not out more often than all but 3 Test cricketers ever;

has batted 10 times against Sri Lanka in Tests and never been dismissed;

has scored a duck against 7 of the other 9 Test playing nations;

has made at least one duck every year that he’s played Test cricket;

has scored more ducks than anybody who has played Test cricket (except CA Walsh);

has never been out stumped in a Test match;

has never lost a Test match in which he has scored double figures;

has never batted for more than 37 minutes in a single innings;

averaged 12 after his first 2 Test innings;

has batted at 10 on 4 occasions in Tests; each time because of an injured team mate.

[Updated: 5 January 2013]

SA v PAK – 5 things for Proteas fans to worry about

[By Andrew Murison, 6 August 2013]

The Proteas will play two Tests against Pakistan in the UAE in October and I’m worried things aren’t going to go as well as people expect.

With four ranking places and 33 ratings points between the two Test teams, and given the Proteas’ 3-0 victory against the same opposition in South Africa earlier this year, most would make the South Africans favourites in the Tests. But these five things concern me.

1. No first-class form

When the first Test starts it will have been eight months since the Proteas last played a Test match. Their only international exposure during that time has been a disappointing showing at the Champions Trophy, four ODI losses out of five in Sri Lanka, and an admittedly morale-boosting but ultimately meaningless T20 series victory in Sri Lanka.

A few players (Philander, Petersen, Elgar) have had stints in county cricket, but conditions in the UK are the cricketing opposite of what they’ll find in Abu Dhabi and Dubai. Elgar has at least, and impressively, made big runs recently against Australia ‘A’, but will he even play?

Elgar is the incumbent, but just one score (103* v New Zealand in Cape Town) in eight Test innings won’t be enough to keep out JP Duminy, the man he replaced due to injury. And even though Faf du Plessis has been woeful in green lately – his 85 in the final T20 is more than he managed in the seven innings he played before it combined – he has a Test average of 69 and has earned the right to continue his Test career in the way in which he started it.

2. Injuries to key players

Graeme Smith’s county season was cut short in May when he injured (again) and then had surgery (again) on his troublesome ankle. The optimists will say the timing was perfect, and Smith is due to be fit in time for Pakistan, but how often does a heavy-set 32 year-old man come back from ankle surgery without complications?

Jaques Kallis has made himself unavailable for the last two tours and, while his “personal reasons” remain his own, it’s hard not to wonder whether he’s carrying an injury or at least working very hard to avoid one.

Dale Steyn was rested for the Sri Lanka tour after a hip injury cut short his Champions Trophy. He should be fit and well in time to lead the attack in the UAE, but it’s another niggle to keep an eye on, especially if he’s going to bowl a lot of overs on two hard, dry decks.

dalesteyn

Then there’s ‘How will AB de Villiers’ back hold up?’, ‘Is Amla carrying an injury?’, and ‘Hasn’t Morne Morkel done a lot of bowling lately?’ And from a purely pessimistic point of view it starts to look like the Proteas better take a lot of tape and an extra physio on tour.

3. Scars from Sri Lanka

The Proteas have two months to switch their minds from what happened in England and Sri Lanka to what awaits in the UAE, and hopefully that’s enough time to apply the mental Bio-Oil to the psychological scars incurred. The spin test they failed in Sri Lanka won’t be any easier in the UAE and it’s going to be just as dry and hot for the bowlers in the desert.

As a team another terrible international tournament and a sound beating in Sri Lanka is loose sand upon which to set a confident stall, and as individuals several players have struggled completely out of any sort of form.

Faf du Plessis, as noted by everyone, has been in a patch of form that is more pumpkin than purple this year. Of course he proved us all wrong in the third T20 in Sri Lanka, but his blade had seemed cursed until then. I’m sure he’ll keep his place at six or seven, but I hope for his sake he rediscovers the belief and form that secured him that spot to begin with.

Robin Peterson was dropped for the final ODI in Sri Lanka and not picked for the T20s after taking just two wickets for 166 runs from 30 overs in spin-friendly conditions. He won’t go for 35 runs in an over every day, but it takes an especially thick skin to bounce back from such dismissive, disdainful treatment as he encountered (and has encountered before).

Alviro Petersen hasn’t been a fixture in the Proteas ODI side but he got a chance to show he should be when Amla was injured. He would’ve been hoping for better than 61 runs from three matches, but that was only enough to get him dropped for the last two. Pakistan’s opening bowlers will also remember (or be reminded by their analysts) that Petersen couldn’t get past 27 in five Test innings against them in South Africa at the beginning of the year.

There’s a big difference between ODI and Test cricket, but it’ll take some real mental strength and time spent practising to put the recent failures against the Sri Lankans out of their minds when they’re 22 yards away from Ajmal and friends.

4. Just the one warm-up game

The two Tests are first on the tour schedule, with five ODIs and two T20s to follow. This means the only chance the players will have to get used to conditions will be a single three-day warm-up game against what I presume will be an invitational XI. I understand that nobody likes long, drawn out tours, but it strikes me as risky to hope that three days will be enough to acclimatise to conditions on and above the ground.

The fact that it’s only a two-Test series makes the first one, and the first few days of it, even more important. It would be silly and a shame to be caught cold on day one and two and have to urgently play catch-up thereafter.

Still on the subject of preparation, this will be Russell Domingo’s first series in charge of the Test side. The number one ranked Test side in the world. The side that beat Pakistan 3-0 in Gary Kirsten’s last Test series earlier this year. I don’t know Russell Domingo personally, but he’s made of stern stuff if that kind of expectation doesn’t weigh him down.

5. Pakistan’s record in the UAE

Pakistan don’t often lose Test matches in their adopted home, and they normally win them. Like the 3-0 whitewash they served England in 2012. South Africa probably did well to draw the two Tests they played in 2010, and might even be pleased with similar this time around, because you have to go back to 2002, against Steve Waugh’s Australian juggernaut, for the last and only two Tests (out of 12) that Pakistan have lost in the UAE.

On the other hand… Here are three very good reasons for the Proteas and their fans to be quietly confident.

The Proteas are the best team in the world

The Proteas have earned the clear water behind them on the ICC Test ranking list by winning their last six Test matches and, more impressively, their last six Test series: 3-0 vs Pakistan (h), 2-0 vs New Zealand (h), 1-0 vs Australia (a), 2-0 vs England (a), 1-0 vs New Zealand (a) and 2-1 vs Sri Lanka (h). It’s been a long time since they last wore their whites, but they’ve been consistently good in them for years.

Not only are the Proteas the number one ranked Test team in the world, they have all the number one ranked Test players too. According to the ICC, Amla, Steyn and Kallis currently top the batting, bowling and all-rounder categories, with de Villiers and Kallis also in the batting top 10 and Philander and Morkel high up the bowling list as well. If Tests were played on paper, South Africa would have the biggest and brightest pen.

Batsmen had success last time

The top order should have happy memories of the last tour to the UAE. AB de Villiers scored what was then the highest individual score by a South African (278*), and there were centuries for Kallis (x2), Smith and Amla as well. In fact, Pakistan could only dismiss the Proteas once in four batting innings, with the other three ending in positive declarations.

Experience and the psychological edge

Of the eleven that will probably start the first Test, seven played in 2010 (Smith, Petersen, Amla, Kallis, de Villiers, Steyn and Morkel). That experience will be invaluable when the going gets tough on a hot afternoon in the desert.

For whatever previous results are worth, they’re stacked in South Africa’s favour. In 2010 the two-Test series in the UAE was shared 0-0, and earlier this year the Proteas won 3-0 at home. As a starting point, there’s confidence to be gained from that.

In conclusion

The last series between South Africa and Pakistan was one-sided and the one before that was a stalemate, but this time there’s a real chance of actual intrigue and excitement in the result. And at an individual level the recent history means there are personal battles to be reignited, for the glory of those concerned and the entertainment of the rest of us watching.

Hopefully the Proteas play some very good cricket in the UAE, and hopefully the contest is entertaining throughout. And as a South African fan, hopefully I was wrong to doubt them.

Interview with Jean de Villiers and Heyneke Meyer*

[By Andrew Murison, 17 June 2013]

South Africa played and beat Scotland on Saturday 15 June. I wish I’d interviewed captain Jean de Villiers and coach Heyneke Meyer after the match, but I didn’t. So I made it up.

JdV: Fake Jean de Villiers
HM: Fake Heyneke Meyer
AM: Andrew Murison

*Not a real interview. In fact, entirely made up by me.

—–

AM: Congratulations, you must be pleased with the result?

HM: We won, so yes I’m pleased. But we should’ve smoked them like a snoek by 60 points.

—–

AM: I see, so were you surprised by how well Scotland played?

HM: Nee, kak man, they didn’t play well, they played dirty. They cheated in the scrums, they cheated in the lineouts and they cheated at the breakdowns. I had to check my bank account after the game in case they cheated me there too.

—–

AM: Cheating is a strong word, isn’t it Jean?

JdV: It’s not strong enough. They made Richie McCaw look like an angel. Their plan was to break the rules and hope for the best.

—–

AM: But isn’t it the ref’s job to enforce the rules?

HM: Maybe being a cheetah is OK if you’re from Bloem, but where I come from you play according to the spirit and rules of the game or you piss off and be a poes somewhere else.

—–

AM: Are you disappointed with how the team responded to the Scottish challenge?

HM: On the country (sic), I’m proud of the manne for maintaining their discipline. Jislaaik, even I wanted to bliksem that Strokosch oke, but luckily I tripped over Pierre Spies’ body-sculpting machine when I tried to streak onto the field to klap him with an Energade bottle.

—–

AM: Jim Hamilton’s yellow card was a bit harsh, don’t you think?

JdV: No, not at all. Jim was lucky in my opinion.

HM: Doos.

—–

AM: Really? It was just a gentle push with an open palm.

JdV: He shoved his hand into Eben’s face, unprovoked. And you’ve got to make an effort to reach Eben’s face! It was calculated, cynical and violent, he was lucky it was yellow.

HM: Did you check the look on Eben’s face after Hamilton tried to finger his eyeballs? Fok I wouldn’t want to make Eben into that mood. Hamilton was lucky he didn’t get killed.

—–

AM: What do you expect from Samoa next week?

HM: It should be a good game. Those okes aren’t so lekker on the rules of tackling but they don’t waste time practising cheating. They play hard, but fair. Except for the tackling.

—–

AM: Do you anticipate making many changes to the side?

HM: The party’s over for the lighties. Every oke and his pooch knows you pick the biggest, heaviest manne to play Samoa. Willem Alberts and Zane Kirchner will come in, obviously, and I’m hoping to get Bakkies and Danie Rossouw back to beef up the centres a bit.

JdV: Huh?

HM: Ag you’re better on the wing anyway.

—–

AM: Siya Kolisi was outstanding on debut, albeit in unfortunate circumstances. Will he start, do you think?

HM: It’s tough, you know. Who must I leave out? Francois Louw is already gatvol of being married, so he has to play; I just love watching Marcell Coetzee run around the field, he reminds me of a bottle of Coke if you shake it up, sommer all over the place; and Pierre Spies is probably the best rugby player in the world.

—–

AM: Pierre Spies is the best what in the what?

HM: The oke is a machine. I watch him at training on the bench press, and with the bicep curls, and the vertical jumps, and the pull-ups, and the leg press, and the calf lifts, and the planks. Have you seen his workout video on YouTube? It’s beautiful.

AM: This is rugby, not a competition to see who can be the best at exercising.

JdV: Look, it doesn’t matter that Siya Kolisi played better in 76 minutes than Pierre Spies has played in his 52 Springbok games combined. Coach made a couple of bad decisions a few years ago, and Pierre has the photos to prove it.

—–

This interview was made up entirely by me, and contains no word of the truth except perhaps by accident.

Review: Love’s Labour’s Lost

[By Andrew Murison, 17 May 2011]

Shakespeare’s Globe Theatre is located about 230 metres from the site of the original amphitheatre, that which was built in 1599 by Shakespeare’s own company of players. Today’s modern playhouse is fairly accurate in its reconstruction – a simple stage, the yard for the groundlings below, and three tiers of benches, balconies and boxes – and most, but not all, of the plays performed are works by The Bard himself.

The charm of the Globe is in its open air, its cheap standing room tickets and its efforts to remain true to the substance and form of the plays as they were written and performed in Shakespeare’s time. It’s not to everybody’s favour, but it is to mine, and so I was to a completely fun and entertaining night out one Wednesday to see Love’s Labour’s Lost, performed and enjoyed under clear autumnal skies.

To my shame, my disgrace, my dishonour, I have never read nor seen Love’s Labour’s Lost, and so going in I knew nothing of its story and glory. What I did know was that I had absolutely enjoyed my first comedic Globe performance (As You Like It), and so with that happy memory in mind I was looking forward to forging a new one.

As with any sort of entertainment – fantasy, sport or even love – you need to be able to look past those realities that stand in the way of your enjoyment of the thing. After all, it is for enjoyment that you have arrived to see the play or match or movie, and so to harp on about the unnatural language, the barbarism or the unlikelihood that the pretty girl could fall for the geeky guy would be to bite your thumb in entertainment’s face.

To suspend reality and embrace the occasion is critical in the enjoyment of a Globe evening. But to make things easier for the audience in such endeavours, the cast, or crew, or troupe, are so gotten into character, and so obviously enjoying it, that it is no great stretch to transport ones self back to the time that your immediate environment seems to suggest you have stumbled upon.

As for the play itself, I was again (as before) actively engaged and heartily amused. I found the script to be genuinely funny – but then I am a fan of too many words and this is a wordy play even by wordy standards – but I was surprised by how much I enjoyed the physical comedy of the piece; so puerile, so childish, so infantile and so juvenile. Even Shakespeare, it seems, is neither above nor beyond a good fart joke. Nor several pertaining to the horns of men. Indeed, the play was of a far more sexual nature than I had expected, though playfully so – almost embarrassedly and apologetically – throughout.

Much of the play’s comedy, that which isn’t derived from outwardly enacted sexual innuendo, is riddled and befiddled in so many words as are befitting and befuddling to the cause. That is to say, much is said where less could have been, but more is better and most is best, so long as the words are well and well chosen, and add more than they detract to and from the enjoyment of the piece. And if peace be quiet then this be disquietening, and the better for it. For no peace, cod or otherwise, is much or long kept in the lost labour of love and love’s hangings on. You get the idea.

A brief word, if such is possible, on the characters. The melancholy, but not sad, Don Armado was a downcast delight. His constantly furrowed brow and quivering lips gave more power to that which he did not say than that which he did. But when he did speak to say, his accent was so perfectly pitched and his phrase so terrifically turned, that you waited bated on his next words. The ‘posterior of the day’ will feature regularly in my own banter henceforth.

The king and his companions made fun of their plight, their quest and their selves in what was a touchingly bro-mantic relationship. The combination of swagger and delicate yearning for affection (both comically overplayed to just the right degree) made for much laughing, with and at, the poor deprived.

There was hardly a drab moment to make an example of. This was another fantastic evening’s entertainment, and it has confirmed, fixed and established me as a fan of The Globe and of the shows they put on there.

For a play so full of words, so many of which are perfectly played upon, the final line is brilliant in its brevity. And so, I can only hope, will mine be.

In the beginning

In the beginning, there was an idea. And the idea was good. But also in the beginning, there was no intent, or motivation. And this was bad.

Shortly after the beginning, however, there was andrewmurison.com. Which was a good start.